People need to stop stealing my ideas before I have them. Its bullshit.

Example 1: UpBurqa.com

My love of upskirt porn combined with my love of high-brow comedy. Sure this has probably allowed me to dodge mailbombs from Islamic extremists, but seriously, this would have been solid gold. None of that lame ass Sovereign Hill gold either, I’m talking about primo Nazi gold here.

Example 2: RentADwarf.com

My hour-long dream of being able to introduce myself at a party whilst wearing a striking white suit and talking about how I have 20 midgets on contract – dashed. (If anyone knows any hot midgets btw, please point them to my Facebook. Thanks in advance.)

Example 3: The Word “Nutch”

I invented this word as a do-all for anything potentially nasty or insulting.. then someone related it to a nasty diseased vi jay.. which I realized later was close enough to its original meaning, because it was closest to being a reference to the taint area. Still, STOLEN!

Example 4: Tartan Parties

OK so nobody stole this idea (yet) but how awesome is it? As many chicks in short tartan mini skirts as possible.. my only regret is that I didnt do this for every party before this, especially my first. Could you imagine where I’d be right now if I’d had these parties my whole life? Not here, that’s where.

And yes, my Birthday will have a tartan theme YET AGAIN this year, and is going to be held at a secret location that will be written on the Fed Square TV 2 hours before the event. Or e-mailed out.. not sure which.. I’ll have to talk to the budget comittee about that one. Some people might say that I’m using the same theme because I lack originality* to them, I say this: You are the weakest link, GOODBYE!

* I’m just a pervert

Update July 2009 – I’ve secured rentadwarf.com ! Please refer any midgets you may know in Melbourne to my e-mail (on the iFAQ.) I know its a little ambitious, a lot of you might say this business wont get that high off the ground.