I work in IT. Computers. Its a booming industry and it pays well. Whenever I’m at a par-tay I’m loathe to tell people what I do because people are generally so small minded they cant handle dealing with someone who works on computers but isn’t a total fucking nerd whos into Star Wars and Star Trek and is socially retarded (I’m only 2 of those 3 things.)

The fact is, Teenage Girls (TG’s) spend more time on the internet in their spare time than I do, busting Facebook, MySpace, MSN, or whatever other shit is in vogue, like Twitter or RateMyPoo.

TG’s get to bag me out because I have a job on computers simply because they are A) Hot and 2) Chicks. This is bogus. The shit I want to pay out these chicks for is just INAPPROPRIATE and I wouldn’t get away with it even if I did it from 2k’s away with a megaphone. Even the oldest teenager is still 8 years younger than me. That number is only going to grow with time, just like my desire to bone said teenagers. The only thing that decreases is the amount of space in my pants when I think about actually doing it.

In short, this means I’m pushing shit uphill.

So let’s see what happens when I go mano a mano with a Teenage Girl..

Breasts

TG: Has perky breasts that guys want to touch.
ME: Has perky breasts that nobody wants to touch.

Crying

TG: On average breaks down crying at least 100 times a year.
ME: At most 2 times a year (sometimes 3 but only because of that scene where the Terminator lowers himself into the lava.. come on im not made of stone here people.)

Salary

TG: Average “Salary” 18-21 grand full-time.
ME: Over 50,000 wing wangs! Eat shit!

Sex with Old Men

TG: Very likely to get duped and/or “seduced” and fucked senseless by older men.
ME: Hopefully never going to get fucked senseless by men, older or otherwise (so far so good.)

Reproductive Capability

TG: Has fertile eggs for reproduction but their fertility declines daily.
ME: My sperm is still as awesome and action-packed as it was 10 years ago (samples available upon request.)

Street Fighter 2

TG: Thinks its a movie.
ME: Still remembers all the basic SF2 movies even though he hasn’t played it in 5 years. Quarter-Circle Forward, Punch: Fireball. Forward, Down, Down-Forward, Punch: Dragon Punch. Quarter-circle Back, Kick – Spin Kick.

Ability to cope in a crisis

TG: Thinks running out of foundation or having a broken hair straightener is a crisis
ME: Deals with at least 1 existential crisis every fucking fortnight.

Life Skills

TG: Knows how to straighten hair and apply makeup like a movie star.
ME: Knows how to unblock a toilet that a TG has clogged with a tampon.

Managing eSports Teams

TG: Doesn’t know what eSports is, lol.
ME: Went to Texas, negotiated sponsorship with Plantronics and directed award nominated team videos for his eSports organization he founded and ran for 3 years.

Money

TG: Doesn’t understand the value of a dollar.
ME: Ripped currency conversion code to save hooking into a datafeed so that I could easily look up the value of the Aussie Dollar against the Greenback from a web dashboard.

Tolerance

TG: Isn’t able to tolerate drunken SMS’ and booty calls for some fucking reason.
ME: Whats ur godam problem?!

Drunk Decision Making

TG: Won’t sleep with me even when smasht.
ME: Is actually able to rationalize sleeping with someone with a BMI of 30 after 3 light beers (and people call ME shallow?!)

Philosophy

TG: Barely able to grasp the philosophical undertones of an episode of House.
ME: Able to relate to and convincingly champion the works of Nietzsche as well as any 2nd year uni student in a beret.

Attraction

TG: Doesn’t think I’m attractive after I’ve downed 10 beers
ME: Thinks I’m Don Fucking Juan, Brad Pitt, Johhny Depp and Jean Claude Van Damme rolled into one after I’ve downed 10 beers.

CONCLUSION

Seriously, how much more proof do you need? I rule, they suck.. no matter what that chick I tried to pick up that time said.. last guy on earth indeed! Let’s see you Photoshop up something bitch, then own some noobs in Woflenstein.. you’ll see, I’ll show you ALL!

So, uh.. don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate Teenage Girls per se.. they just annoy me more often than not. Its not their fault that their mum and dad got busy and freaky a few years too recently. But I think we can ALL agree this conclusively proves that ME, a 27 year old man is better than a Teenage Girl. We can finally close the cold case on that one.

Speaking of cold, I’m going to go sleep in my empty bed now. Goodnight.