The other day I was shooting the shit with my housemate and her boyfriend.. we ended up talking about how boring the ending of Schindler’s List is and we came up with an alternative ending. Then Claire got involved. Then my housemates cats made some glaring edits as you can tell from the pictures, but fuck those pussies.. all they’re good for is shitting anyway.

Enjoy..

[Fade to scene of Jews in graveyard]

All the old Jewish people are putting stones on the graves and its boring as shit - by this stage the audience is truly resigned to the fact there’s no boobs or awesome high level sex scenes in the movie.

Suddenly when this old Jewish dude drops a stone on a grave there’s a bolt of lightning and badass thunder [note: this needs to be recorded in full Dolby 7.1] clouds start to gather and go dark.. and then the sky turns red behind the black clouds.. not blood red but dark red, kind of like Ghostbusters 2 with that gay eurotrash dude.

Then this fist busts out of the ground and its Zombie Hitler rising from the dead, and now he's the worst kind of dead - Un. It doesn't take long for people to cotton on to the fact that the Undead Zombie Hiltler is fucking pissed off man, like majorly pissed off - he crawls out of the ground kind of like the chick in the ring coming out of the TV but its more menacing and there’s hardcore German industrial beats playing. The old Jews all start scattering and yelling shit like "Oy Vey! its the Zaumbi Hitla" with the Jewish voice and shit.

Hitler swings around the MP40 [German machine gun from WW2] on his back that’s like hanging there like a cool sword or something - Hitler looks cool [audience is like, "shit, this Zombie Hitler knows how to kick ass!" and they feel bad for liking him so much - he also has a side fringe that’s kind of emo along with his tash but its done so well u know some dudes in the audience will be trying it out when they get home]

He's just shooting the shit out of everyone then its like his MP40 has run out of ammo but you know that’s bullshit because the gun is made of magic but he just slings it around his back and pulls out 2 Luger 9MM's (totally sweet german pistols) and starts going all John Woo on the Jews.

[ Camera slows down, like bullet time in the matrix except not derivative at all -- Hitler slow mo dives behind a tombstone and the tombstone gets hit with tonnes of glowing blue shurikens that are made like the star of David - thats when the audience realizes these are Ninja Jews] - Even though the Jews are Ninjas, Zombie Hitler is just fucking caining them to shit just like my first girlfriend did to my ability to trust women.

Then you hear this honking and the camera switches all shaky style to this humvee type thing busting over a hill.. the massive riff of that Bon Jovi song busts out u hear "SHOT THROUGH THE HEART!" and then it remixes and goes "you give germans, a bad name" - then u know its the son of BJ Blaskowitz - the dude from Wolfenstein [BJ Jnr looks like the lovechild of Arnie in Commando and Arnie in Predator except more rugged and angry] and you can already tell he is like a full on badass and knows Krav Maga plus Ninjitsu and also Swedish Massage.

[ Cut to the inside of the Humvee, but the music is still cranked ]

You see BJ Jnr smoking a stogie and behind him on the roof of the car is his Swedish Massage Reflexology certificate, so u know he knows how to kick ass and also treat the ladies right. The humvee is also riced up with like 59" rims, has a bumper sticker that says "I Heart Jews" and there is a hood ornament of a dude getting his feet ripped out through his face, along with lesbians going down on each other airbrushed on the side, but tasteful.

[Close-up shot of BJ Jnr's eyes, he's squinting and u can tell he's pissed about all the Ninja Jews getting their asses kicked by Hitler YET AGAIN, and u know he’s taking it real fucken personal]

The hummer has a sunroof and he hits the button to slide it open (he doesn’t have to do it manually with a clip because he's so cashed up he got this hummer fully optioned with mechanical sunroof) and he suddenly pulls this massive fuck-off sized M1 Browning machine gun from the passenger seat but you didn’t see it in the previous shots. [Continuity problem: how will this gun fit in the car with the sunroof closed?]

The car is still moving and it must be in cruise control because now his foot is on the steering wheel driving the car as he takes aim with his torso out of the sunroof.. [cut to shot of illuminated cruise control button]

He makes eye contact with the Zombie Hitler and bellows "No Jews for you!" which is ironic because we wouldn’t have that line without the Jews so its like he's channelling Seinfeld which is awesome and people love pop culture references like that.

BJ starts shooting like a bitch and the bullets start hitting Zombie Hitler but they only slow him down they don't stop him, he's reloading his Akimbo Lugers and shooting out the tires on the hummer then BJ Jnr jumps out of the sunroof as the car stars to swing over and flip - then its like flipped up from its back tires rolls for like 10 seconds and its getting beaten up to shit and then the hummer explodes in this massive mushroom cloud but just before it exlpodes, the boot busts open and this hot midget chick dressed like a sexy ninja jumps out and starts throwing magic shurikens at Hitler’s neck.

[Cut to shot of hummer exploding from multiple angles, over and over again - probably 26 angles including long-range and satellite view - people think that its getting old by the 12th time but the 13th explosion rams home that this is a fucking blockbuster and we're making up for the lack of explosions before - on the last explosion the license plate which says "KOSHER" blows into the screen - people love that kinda shit]

Meanwhile the hot midget ninja is like pushed forward by the explosion [u know the shurikens shes throwing are magic because they are glowing purple and coz of science] and they all lodge in Hitler’s neck and Zombie Hitler stops dead in his tracks and starts grabbing at his throat that’s bleeding like black ooze and making this noise like he's gagging on 1000 cocks.

BJ Jnr has jumped out of the car and commando rolled up to Hitler and he stands in front of the paralysed zombie Hitler and says "End of the line H-Dizzle.. it's been a GAS" [the use of Dizzle will bring in the urban crowd] and does a spinning roundhouse kick like Van Damme and kicks Zombie Hitler’s head clean off right as he says "GAS" [which references all those gas chambers but only like 1% of the audience will get it, but they will go home and blog about it being so high brow and we'll get that positive blog marketing thing going] - the head was loosened up coz of the magic shurikens and its obvious - and the head goes straight into the screen and gets swallowed up by Hitler’s screaming mouth - in the theater this will scare all the girls on dates and make sure they grab on to dudes who are too scared to make a move... but they dont start making out yet coz they are glued to the hot action.

The magic midget ninja chick walks up sexily and says "nice work BJ Jnr, your father would be proud" and then BJ Jnr looks sad for a moment and looks out to the distance - but its not the distance, its like 10 meters away and its his father standing there like Obi Wan Kenobi in Return of the Jedi - he's a glowing blue ghost and he's all happy and its a real heart touching moment. Nobody knew that they were dealing with a Krav Maga Swedish Massage Jedi Jew Lovin Ninja, but they were.

Then it fades into a sensual night with BJ and the Midget and she is drinking Dom P and theres candles and massage oils and he starts working her up and down and you know her chakra's and chi is getting all aligned and shit - plus they are going to bone but you don't see that because its a classy ending but we show side-boob of the midget babe.

[FAST CUT to headline of "DIRECTED BY ANDREW TOWNSEND" and then "also by Steven Spielberg" but in a really tiny font below it - same time a cock rock mash up of "Kick-Start My Heart" by Mötley Crüe cranks - audience starts rocking air guitars]

My housemate, her main squeeze and Claire helped with this one but just like every group project in high school they were all sitting around smoking weed and/or getting drunk and it was up to Andrew to get it all sorted out before deadline wasn’t it? So I get the fucking credit* capiche?

* I’ll share any physical or emotional retribution evenly with my cohorts. Actually, they can have all of that, I’ll just take the kudos.