I was in the shower one day and I started getting these hilarious ideas for things to put in an online dating profile. I’m pretty sure I was laughing to myself at the time, which wasn’t a good thing since it’s never good to laugh when you’re naked and in earshot of someone (in this case, my housemate.)

I ended up typing the beginning of it wearing just a towel still dripping wet, since the penis of my mind was shooting out golden spunky ropes of comic genius and much like a jizz-starved MILF on the business end of a 2 year drought, I couldn’t let it go to waste. After I was done I e-mailed it to Claire as “cunt rsvp profile.doc” – she dug it, so I figured “fuck it” (pardon my french) and put it up.

One of the most attractive women I’ve met from the intertubes* so far found me through this profile.. and SHE initiated contact. Just goes to show, the pretty ones are always crazy.

So here it be.. my online dating profile on RSVP – Australia’s largest dating website – along with the photos I used. The profile is currently down due to my 2 months without online dating & social networking, but you can find it cached on google** ..for a while at least.

Bon Appétit.

About Me

I'm looking for cute rich chick with low self esteem.

I'm a bit overweight. I have a gut. I'm heavily in debt so I'm not rich.. I can barely afford myself. Our relationship would definitely be BYO.

I snore when I drink a lot.. or smoke (I'm one of those poser social smokers.) I also only fart in my sleep, so hopefully you're a heavy sleeper.

I don't want any little squirts.. no kids for me for another 5 years. Yours are OK I guess, as long as they don't get in the way of us getting it on.

Sometimes I like to be the little spoon.. you have to agree it doesn't make me any less of a man.

I constantly go on about how hot Asian people are.

I'll probably bone you 3 times a day for a week then get bored and then only once every 3 days until we break up. My downstairs co-pilot is right at the tippy top of the bell curve, and I have no STD's or anything. I have a marathon tongue and hands that must somehow be impervious to carpel tunnel syndrome.

I know how to get the ladies where they need to go.. and if it doesn't happen in the bedroom, I'll get you a cab so you can go home and come back to this profile to finish yourself off. You have to pay for the ride but I'll make the phone call, since work pays for my phone its really no skin off my scrote.

My life pretty much revolves around Industrial Music, British Comedy, Non-Fiction Books, Internet Porn & Beer. Oh, and insurmountable existential angst.

I don't have any stamps.. I'll buy the first drink as well as bring some dong bags for our first meeting. Either that or I'll pay for the morning after pill.. but I won't sit in there while you fill out the form. Ill be outside waiting to watch you take the damn thing though.. and no hiding it under the tongue like James Bond or something though ok. 

Please, no fatties.

What I’m Looking For

You must be cute, weigh less than me, laugh at my jokes more than I do and have bigger boobs than me.

Preferably not taller than me either.. I heard a saying from this guy that there is no height in bed, but he was short and thus didn't have many reasons to live.

    * Short-term relationship with a female

I used to tell people it was 60% true, or 80% true.. but I sat down and crunched it by statement & paragraph.. it’s 87.8% true. I sent a girl a message one time and she replied back saying “that’s all good, but the snoring is a deal-breaker.” I should have just offered to give her money for a cab home. Fuck this 20/20 hindsight.

* See “Asian Psychologist” here
** RSVP removed the reference to internet porn, but I put it back in for the purpose of the post.. you’ll see its absent in the cached copy