Yeah well you know what? Fuck you. You know what IS funny? Ur face. We were all thinking it, and guess wat? I’m the only one with the fucken balls – we all know this – to come out and say it. Lest I forget how much you smell. Two words: DE. ODORANT. Odours dude, you gots em, and they are up in my nasal grille fucking up my chi.

And while the gloves are off, lets see you work a job you hate, drink beer to dull the pain till you pass out and somehow find the time to create “da l0lz” on your internet blog – that you designed, implemented and generally rocked on your lonesome.

That’s right, no consultancy here, I’m a self made man.

While I’m on the subject, whats with this lack of blowjobs? I don’t remember telling ur mum it was ok for her to go on holiday. Sure, your grandma has no teeth, but its just not the same.

Yeah, I know she’s dead. Sure its hard (lolz) rousing a fellatious experience from an urn of ashes, but I’ve done it, and you know what? You’ll be there too one day.. probably with my ashes.. and that’s cool, ur urethra is worthy of my burnt body.. but I digress.

Let me tell you something that’ll fucking blow your top. Yeah. You want hilarity? well.. I aint got that.. shipment coming in Tuesday. But what I do got, is irony, of the bitter variety.

Check this.

Try going on dates with attractive twenty-somethings and having them want to date you.. then you go on a date with one girl, and fall for her.. and cancel all your fuckbuddies, because you realize you don’t want to date this girl after having fucked someone in between dates. You throw away all the other girls who want to get on your emotional (and literal) cock and things with the girl you actually like fall through.. yeah. Then you find you had a total “player lifestyle” set up but you squandered it because you were honest and you liked 1 woman because ur mother raised u right, and then you’re jonesin’ so hard for a blowjob u had to call one of the girls u reffered to whenever someone said “you’re just out for sex” – anyone who is 27 years old has people they can call for sex for christs sake!

IRONY motherfucker. None of that only spoons when all you need is a knife..

Speaking of knives, this whole dating thing is hardcore man. It’s like an emotional prison and its shank or be shanked. I’m sick of being the shankee, you know what.. and fuck, sure, I’ve only been shanked once, but thats all it takes man.. “Oh Andrew bitch it up!” – you weren’t there man, you don’t know what it was like.. the thing about dating isnt what they tell u to do.. its the things u do they didn’t tell u to do..

I still have flashbacks. No fucking shit.

“But Andrew, you’re going into that whole emo fucking relationship dating crap again, we don’t want that, its too depressing!”

Guess what bitch. Go on. Guess. Yeah. Life *IS* Depressing. Man, that reminds me, I had this dream where I kept pissing on (not in) a bed the other night.. anyway, this is the fucking future man,.. sorry if its a little too REAL for ya. In the real world, and real things happen. Real DEPRESSING things.

So yeah, sure, my blogs not funny anymore.. and you know what, SO WHAT.. it’ll get funny again, you’ll see.. I’ll show you.. I’ll show you ALL!

An inquiry has found a shockingly high number of elderly citizens in aged care are trading sex for favors and items such as cigarettes. What do you think?

Dman,
Genre-Spanner
“At least I know when I’m old I’ll just be a hand shandy away from getting someone to pass the remote.”

Claire,
Professional Wench
“I find this post to be insensitive and inappropriate.. just like Towny’s pickup techniques.”

Nick,
Amateur Nihilist
“As somebody with 2 tabs of Viagra, a carton of Marlboro’s and a GILF fetish to work out, this is good news.”

By Claire

Got your own fan art? Contact me! Details here.

• Gay corporate style haircut
• Close shave once a week
• Only social drinking (limit 4)
• Additional general sharpness*

* Keep out of reach of children

“If you hear sobbing coming from my room, don’t worry, that’s just me masturbating” -Dman

So here we are.. 2 months after taking the Red Pill and I find myself almost at a loss.. what the fuck did I actually learn with after 2 months without social networks?

Initially it wasn’t that big of a deal. I still had women in my phone, and I didn’t find myself missing Facebook at all. I had “hilarious status updates” going on in my head and no way to post them.. I considered writing them down but elected not to, since there’s no point doing this if I was basically still Tweeting, albeit in my brain.

Apart from almost missing out on a friends birthday as I couldn’t log in to Facebook to check dates, it took a couple of weeks for things to actually begin to change.

Without the social networking distraction, I took a look at my life and what I have.. and that basically caused me to throw a lot of stuff, and a lot of people, away.

I’d gone on a date with one of the clusterfuck girls, the one that I liked, and it didn’t work out. But, looking back, considering I’d bedded her best friend, I don’t quite know how well I expected it to go. Well, that’s a lie. I know how well I expected it to go, since I’d turned my lava lamp on before I went out.

The other girls in my phone were either met or deleted.. if I hadn’t met them and plans fell through once, deleted.

Ex-girlfriends, deleted.

Fuck buddies, deleted.

Male friends.. (covered under fuck buddies.. NOT) almost all of them deleted.

All up, 17 numbers gone. How do I know that? I wrote down the last 3 digits of these peoples numbers so I’d know who it was calling / sms’ing. Nothing worse than a 2am SMS from an unknown number. This process was made a little easier, and I don’t know why, by having been on the tail end of the Pedestal Truckie saga, which is still going through its epilogue.

So, resetting to almost zero, reducing all of my potential contacts (I really need to get better at having pseudo/lesser friends) I was, well, more alone than I have been in a long, long time.

Filling the Void

I suddenly had more spare time, and less to focus on. Not thinking about “this or that girl” I was messaging online, or posting some hilarious status update, I read more books than I have in 6 months. To actually kill time (and relieve some stress) I bought Street Fighter 4 for my PC, which, coupled with my Kettlebell, has worked out very well.

Boags Draught also did a lot of void filling.. I found it gives me a lot less of a hangover than my beloved Coopers Pale.

As a side-note, I wish I’d known about Gmail’s drunk email filter as without RSVP one night I sent some very, shall we say, “interesting” e-mails to old contacts I never wanted to speak to again.

Base Needs

Since all the girls in my phone were either bedded or deleted, I had no options for, well, getting “it” into the “on” state, which meant when I was drunk and horny, I couldn’t revert to the old “get on RSVP” chestnut. “Does that actually ever get you laid that night?” Well, you’d be surprised.

So anyway, it was either jerk off and go to sleep, or go to the local and pick up. My drunken pickup technique is this.. go to bar, order beer, pose like a rugged studious tortured model type guy, observe which chicks are checking me out. Wait 5 minutes, order another beer, if girls checking me out haven’t come to talk to me, go over and talk to them. “Does that actually work??” I’ll tell you when you’re older.

Hellish Self-Analysis

So apart from the drunken pickup, the reduction in my life caused some long overdue self-analysis. It got real, real messy. I’m still figuring this out, but I’ve made some headway. My biggest focus right now is reducing everything I own & carry. Now when I’m in a shop that has stuff I’d like, it could be a funky little statue or a print, a DVD, a computer.. I think “wow I’d like that!” for about 2 seconds, then I suddenly realize “I dont want to own anything else.” I have everything I need. More than I need, in fact.

Getting rid of a TON of junk has been liberating, but when I think about it, it reminds me of what people do before they commit suicide. Reducing what they own, getting their affairs in order, etc. I guess you could see this process as a social suicide, but only if you like to put morbid spins on things..

Cause and Effect

So, 1 week out from deadline, a lot of shit came to a head. I’d had bruised ribs so I couldn’t work out my frustration on my kettlebell.. I’d deleted, well, EVERYONE from my phone and MSN. I got an e-mail from an ex and, I caved in to my loneliness and invited her over. At least I didn’t cave and go on RSVP. Though I’m not sure which is the lesser of 2 evils.. without factoring in what society deems “normal.”

Realistically, this is what enabled me to get over the finish line. Lying in a bed of isolation you designed for yourself is pretty gaybar.. and you always find ways to bend the rules when you’re jonesin for a fix (be it alcohol, affection, sex, whatever..)

Oh yeah, I cheated..

Technically.

I logged into RSVP to get info for my RSVP post.. I didnt send messages or browse. I also logged into MySpace to check the location of a Black Widows night. Apart from that, I’ve gone on (but not signed in to) Twitter and MySpace to check out music pages (specifically, The Beards and She Wants Revenge) since they dont have/or dont update their own websites enough.

KMFDMAN Website Traffic

I was still getting hits from Facebook (somehow, my profile was deactivated..) and KFC Krush Bars. God bless those curious fried chicken lovers, even if they leave the site after 3 seconds.

Some people graciously subscribed, I got up to my highest number yet.. 12, but, squandered it by not posting anything for a couple of weeks. That self loathing bender really had no benefit, in hindsight.. seemed like a great idea at the time tho!

Summary of Changes

• I’ve lost 10kg
• I’ve deleted every girl from my phone that I’ve had, or would have, had sex with
• My MSN now only has real life friends or randoms to kill time talking to (no dating prospects)
• I’ve deleted the numbers of 90% of my male friends
• I’ve had more one night stands with chicks picked up in bars than I have at any other stage in my life
• I’m back in an existential crisis

So, What do I want back?

Facebook Nope.. even though its more popular than ever.
MySpace Yes, but really only to send messages to musicians about getting MP3′s of their shit.. and maybe for the cute emo chicks (here we go again!!)
Twitter Nope.
Online Dating Yes.. but not for its old purpose (fingers crossed I can make some new friends without fucking them.)

What did I do as soon as the 2 months was up?

Like putting on an old comfortable hoodie on a cold day.. I cracked a Coopers Green and went on RSVP.

Cheers.

With an iron fist I took a hold of obesity and kicked its ass so hard it now has to shit through its mouth.. and it only took me 5 years!

Back in 2005, I weighed 135kg. On the Body Mass Index (BMI) that’s MORBIDLY OBESE! Which ironically, doesn’t give you any cred in Melbourne’s goth circles. But I digress.. This post is about how I lost around 10kg in 2 months. I’m a 27 year old male and I’m 181cm (5,11″) tall.

Check that shit. A Nintendo Wii doesnt lie. When was the last time a Nintendo lied to you? Never. Remember when the Nintendo Seal of Quality used to mean something? IT STILL DOES!

“But Andrew you must have lost muscle weight to do that!”

WRONG. I’ve been packing on muscle thanks to my sweet Kettlebells.

So here’s the run-down of how to get it done. It worked for me. Consult your doctor first, etc, if you die, you cant sue me, ok?

So get ready to unlearn every other thing you’ve read about weight-loss. This post is the goods, and it WORKS!*

Think Green

No, not environmental. What the fuck! Print this post out 5 times and burn it before you worry about that. That’s why we’re having babies, so they can deal with that whole dying planet “problem.”

GREEN TEA motherfuckler! Get the delicious T2 shit. It works out around 40c a bag, and $1.20 a day to down 3 bags of the stuff.. that’s less than half the price of a can of Coke at your local 7-11.. and it will keep you flavored all day. It has caffeine which will surpress your appetite, but won’t screw with your body (like Coke and Coffee can.) Not to mention all those antioxidants to help mitigate the effects of your** alcohol consumption.

Get The Secret

No, not that fucking bullshit wax stamp media packaged TV thing.. I’m talking about Slim Secrets. Think GREEN.. GREEN TEA extract, baby! I eat 2 of these for breakfast every day. It says its supposed to boost your metabolism but its probably just a placebo effect, which I’m happy with.

You can get a box (12) of them for under $30 from a Vitamin Me store. You can also order them online individually or by the box.

Get your “Fuck” on

Bang a chick or three. Try to maximize the amount of sex you’re having.. and dont be afraid to sweat all over them. If you can get the passion to the right level, the sweat thing is a total turn on.. but otherwise, just fuck till you cant move anymore and then finish them off with a handy if required.

I’d say try to stick to 20 year olds or 30 year olds due to their appetite, but basically every woman I’ve fornicated with could be boned until the cows came home.. and seriously, I’m beginning to doubt the possibility of those cows making it back.. I mean, did anyone give them directions???

Remember, its OK to bone fat chicks if you’re doing it as a weight loss method.

If you’re a chick, its time to don the cowboy hat and go cowgirl styles, none of that starfish fuck receptacle stuff, GET INTO THE ACTION and sharpen his pencil like your life depended on it.

Get Gastro

Man, I had gastro recently and I thought I was going to die.. it was fucking fucked up. I’m not exaggerating when I say, I really thought I was going to die a very painful, humiliating death.

But I’m sure I lost weight from it! yay!

Drink Water

Lots of it.

Soup It Up

Here is my favorite soup place. You’ll find me there at one time or another on weekdays..

If you don’t work in Melbourne’s CBD and cant make it to Center Place (where The Soup Place is — there’s also one in Melbourne Central’s food court so you have a good excuse for a walk) then hit up your local Subway. Don’t forget to get carrot and wheat bread.

Get a little Christian

No, I’m not talking about finding a religious midget. If you fuck up and down a 6 pack and a pizza (or 2 6 packs and 2 pizza’s.. ahem.) – FORGIVE YOURSELF and get back on track. No point letting it be a catalyst for more junk. This lesson is handy for almost anything in your life.

Look After Yourself

No, not some namby pamby bullshit. Eat Lean Cuisines or Healthy Choice when you’re too bored eating soup for lunch and dinner. It’s still manly if you lift weights before or afterward.

Cut Down on Alcohol

This is a toughie.. especially if your friends are boring. I was still downing 20 beers on weekends when losing this weight… somehow.

Just try to minimize it since it’s literally a depressant.. it slows your metabolism down. During weekdays try to switch to another vice.. like masturbation or plotting the downfall of that guy at work who annoys the shit out of you.

Cheat

No, not on your girlfriend (unless she asks you to keep it neat.) This is a total hack.. like installing wall hacks or cheating at poker, but you need to get your metabolism up. So, just like Vin Diesel in Fast and the Furious, u gotta hit the NOS, even if its against the rules..

Just 1 a day (I try to keep my max at 2.. but on weekends it ends up being 3) and plenty of water afterwards, will give ur body a kick. Dont have more than 2 a day and know your limits, because this shit can kill you.

I personally recommend the Nutrient Water Energy (the yellow one) since you get 75ml more than the Vitamin Water and its non-carbonated (so your body will like you.)

If you dont mind carbonated stuff… there’s only 1 option: Smart Energy Blood Orange & Chilli. The Chlli gives an extra kick to your metabolism, just like jalapenos would on your Subway.

It’s not a Diet

Just like its not a tumor. Its a mindset. This is kinda deep (compared to everything else here) but I wasnt on a diet.. I was just changing up what I was eating, finding variety and trying new things, which made the transition a lot easier.

Go Further

I get two 15 minute breaks a day.. I might go and buy a banana or a coffee.. instead of just going to the closest place, I go somewhere that’s like a 5-10 minute walk away, buy it, and walk back.

Even if I’m buying a coffee from just next door.. I walk around the block first. Pretty easy and good for clearing your head of all the monotonous work bullshit.. albeit only momentarily.

Sputnik Fighter

This is my name for my odd workout method.

Since going to the gym can be lame, or inconvenient (since my local one closes at 8pm) or expensive. I spent $50 on a copy of Street Fighter 4 for PC (first game I’ve bought in 5 years) an Xbox360 controller for Windows ($50) and a 16kg Kettlebell ($110) – obviously not with this intention, but this is how it worked out.

I either play through the arcade mode, or survival / time attack challenge modes (I would do it playing online opponents but my internet is fucking shit) – and after defeating an opponent, I do 3 reps of Kettlebell snatches/clean and jerks, then put it down, after next win, do it with the other arm.

I’ve had good results.. and quickly, so far. I told someone about this and they said “what do you do if you lose?” – nothing. So if you suck at SF4, or whatever other game would allow for similar time-frames of game-play, this wont work for you. I don’t do reps after losing because psychologically, I don’t want to even loosely associate Kettlebell workouts with losing. Kettlebells are for winners who like to win!

Incidentally, if I was still playing Wolfenstein, I would do this after winning rounds, maybe even after losing. It gets the blood pumping and helps clear the head.. it would definitely work to rid somebody of match jitters / stress. It’s like a reset button.

Daily Intake

So here is the raw data.. my daily diet goes like this..

BREAKFAST
2x Slim Secrets bars, or a sandwich from 7-11, Energy Drink

LUNCH
Subway or Soup

AFTERNOON
Banana or a Coffee

DINNER
Healthy Choice/Lean Cuisine
or Soup + 3 slices or so of bread

EVENING, IF HUNGRY
Popcorn, low-fat Yogurt or Rice Snacks

THROUGHOUT THE DAY….
I’m pretty much always drinking Green Tea and Water during work hours.. non-stop. When at home.. water, at least. Chamomile or Green Tea up until around 10pm.

That’s my Weekday game plan. Weekends is a fucking all anal action free-for-all of drinking and eating, but I try to keep it as low key as possible (which isnt saying much) and make sure I detox as much as I can. Whatever soup / tea you can fit in on weekends is a bonus.

So now my BMI isn’t Obese anymore (not that anyone believed that it was recently.. at least thats what they said, the sweeties) I have to go Mano a Mano with Obesity’s younger brother, Overweighty, and these Krav Maga classes*** I’m taking should ensure he gets FUCKED UP.

* For me =)
** READ: my
*** After this bruised rib heals. FUCK.

If you find yourself unsure of what to do, just look to the wisdom of Chazz Michael Michaels. As Miyamoto Musashi would say, this requires careful consideration.

If you cant figure out what to do after that truth nugget.. you’re probably more fucked up than that chick I banged* last week.

* NOTE TO SELF: When they tell you they like to bite, TAKE HEED!

After a grueling Saturday of impromptu coffee dates and Street Fighter 4, I made my way out to Claire’s house for pre-drinks. It was a belated birthday celebration with a bunch of her friends, and we were going to head into Black Widows, a goth/industrial club in Melbourne’s CBD.

I boarded at Parliament and quickly left the city loop. Arriving at Richmond, I see a bunch of people in Rugby jackets waiting to get on as we roll in. I’m sitting in a priority seat facing forward staring at the wall, but I do my usual peripheral glance at the door in-case any attractive people of the feminine genre were to board (the future Mrs. Townsend could come from anywhere, after all.)

A bunch of people get on. Two of them are in Melbourne Storm jackets, one appears to be the father of the other, who has down syndrome.

The father is standing next to my seat, and I never saw his face. His son stood infront of my seat, then looked down at me. I smile at him with the best “purely innocent” and “friendly” smile I can muster. It’s my most welcoming facial expression, that covers the gamut of “hey, I think you’re cute” to “sorry to see you lost 2 of your limbs there, bud!”

I remember I’m sitting in a priority seat, and with all of the other seats taken, I find myself unsure of what to do.

He seems fine standing. He’s dressed more appropriately than me, and is probably fitter than I am due to the regular caloric abuse I put my body through. The train has been moving for 5 minutes and I’m working through a fierce internal debate. “What if I offended him by offering him my seat?” I ask myself. He’s no invalid, he obviously doesn’t need my pity. He’s fine standing and in no visible discomfort, so maybe I should just stay put.

Had it been an old or pregnant lady, there wouldn’t have been so many question marks.

Then he made a noise.

To me it was indeterminable other than somehow being about the game he just went to.

“What about those fireworks?” his father asked.

“Yeah!” he exclaimed, with such a joyous, pure and innocent expression of happiness. The second the sound died out, I immediately felt a deep need to break down crying. My eyes began misting up, but I quickly regained my composure.

Why?

He seems happy. Active. He will be blissfully ignorant to what he is missing out on (in my opinion) and truth be told, with my fully functioning brain and level of intelligence, I can’t remember the last time I sounded that happy. Ever.

I usually get like this around the disabled. It is a part of some weird thing inside me where if I see a disabled person, I suddenly a feel pressure on my core self. A question is asked inside me that goes along the lines of “Look at them, and look at you. What are you doing? Why aren’t you better? Why havent you cured cancer yet, saved more lives?”

You only have to be moderately rational to realize the idiocy of those questions, but they come up every time.

I think if I had to spend 10 minutes in a room full of people with mental disabilities, I’d hit the floor in the foetal position and be reduced to a crying mess.

The worst thing about that is it is as deeply rooted in compassion and empathy as it is in narcissism.

I get the same stab at my core when I see a beautiful woman. But the question, as well as the reaction, are much different.. and another discussion entirely.

It’s been 15 minutes and I haven’t moved.. immobilized by my own neurotic thoughts. The priority seat opposite me is vacated, and he sits in it.

I look at him. He seems lost, looking into the distance. It was then I realized I should have just offered him my seat. I doubt he has my egocentric needs, so why would he have taken it personally if I offered him a place to sit? I’d bet blowjobs to donuts he doesn’t have a tenth of my insecurities, so why would he immediately perceive me to be taking pity on him, and consequently take offense? He’s probably more of a human being than I am.. one that would beget courtesy with more courtesy, rather than try to instigate a dick measuring contest.

To be free of those macho pressures, and whatever other societal bullshit would surely be bliss.

But I guess, given the choice, I’d still choose the life with the burden of knowledge and intelligence, even though it’d sentence me to a life of living up to arbitrary ideals to achieve even half of the life I want.

But that’s another story.