Kantoku Hako Pt. 3: Rationalization

It was a wet night and we were sitting in my car in a secluded docklands parking lot. We used to go there a lot because neither of us had a place we could take each other.

The windows were completely fogged up making the car look very suspect. But the only fluids being excreted in my tiny Honda were the tears from my eyes.

We’d avoided talking about her upcoming visa expiry, but we finally got around to it and we didn’t handle it with kid gloves. She’d decided she was going back to japan. It would be too expensive for her to stay.. she’d have to pay for another 6 months of school and she couldn’t get sponsorship. It made no sense to stay in Melbourne and I was in complete agreement.

“Don’t cry An-do-ru. Be a man!” she said, rubbing my shoulder consolingly.

I realized I’d never seen her cry.

By then I was very in touch with how much I loved her, which didn’t help me from stopping the flood of pain at the realization it was over. We decided it made sense to breakup straight away, instead of prolonging the inevitable goodbye. Good idea in theory. I knew in myself I couldnt be a good boyfriend to her for that last month she had in Australia.. I was too busy (or lazy) to travel Victoria with her and see the things she wanted to see, and too protective to want her to go on her own, so it made sense. I didn’t want to be “that guy.”

I knew that if I asked her to stay, and be with me, she would have. But I’d decided if I did that, it would be tantamount to asking her to marry me, and I knew I was nowhere near ready to be with 1 woman forever.

“Forever”

I always preach a lack of forever, believing nothing is forever.

So why was I feeling that pressure? I think it comes down to this stupid thing that gets into a guys head. Is it low self esteem? Is it love? Is it a sense of duty? all of the above? and if so, where does it come from?

But when you really love a woman, and you know that she loves you, and would do anything for you.. you feel this responsibility. Whether you want it or not.

It tells you, don’t fuck this girl around. Don’t be a cunt to her. Don’t treat her wrong, don’t ever cheat on her, because she would never do that to you. She only wants to be by your side and have your loyalty. She will be with you when you are happy and sad, and she will take care of you because she loves you.

Then the switch flicks.. and it says “shit. I can never be the perfect man for her, and she deserves perfect.” So even though you’ve seen her good and bad sides, and you’re in love, you put her on a pedestal. For what purpose? To keep yourself in line? To create an excuse to walk away? Can anyone even be “perfect” to anyone else?

The words “setting yourself up to fail” come to mind.

Don’t say I’m not a fucking romantic, because these kinds of thoughts run through me more often than not, despite my “amorous” past. But I know it’s irrational. I know nobody is perfect.

Maybe life would be easier if I could just accept imperfection. But if I did resign myself to accepting imperfection, what reason would I have to get up in the morning?