What happened to my youth? I remember when I was 18, working my first job as a Customer Service Analyst/Phone Monkey and I got into my 24 year old mate Scott’s car (surprising in hindsight considering I used to think he was a date rapist.) I gave him shit for being old because he had a thermos for the coffee he’d make in the morning. Seriously, that was like the epitome of old to me, along with knitting and colostomy bags.

Fast forward 8 years and I’m sitting at a desk with a camper bottle filled with water and a cup of green tea, considering buying a thermos to keep my tea warm.

It’s another nail in my aging coffin.. being on the “wrong side of 25″ (thanks Mum) it’s enough to ensure I can no longer recover.. not after this laundry list of things that have happened in the last 2 years:

• I started keeping receipts for all my purchases so I could supposedly go over them later on to check prices. Sometimes I did, too.
• I actually caught myself getting somewhat excited at the prospect of making my whites whiter. OxyAction? More like OldAction, amirite?
• I told a teenager that they should spend their Rudd stimulus money on “a good job interview outfit”
• I wrote the date I started using a box of washing powder on it so when it ran out I’d know how long it lasts.
• Whilst watching a porno I thought “I want an apartment with hardwood floors like that”
• Someone was telling me about their fantasy of buying a block of land in Fitzroy and erecting a huge hill with a castle tower on it and I thought “you’ll never get the planning permission”
• I used the word erecting in the previous sentence and it wasn’t as a cheap double-entendre.
• I was standing in OfficeWorks trying to choose a new bin and I thought to myself “which of these bins represents my personality the most?”
• I bought a pair of trackie daks to “veg out” in – this one is a triple whammy, first the aforementioned purchase, second – I thought as I bought them “these are like those trendy Bonds ones the kids are wearing” and the final blow, I got them for a good price from the factory outlet. A trifecta of oldness.

I think I got most of my living back to front. Not the best outcome considering more than a third of my life is now gone.. plus I’ve treated my body so badly in my 26 years I don’t see myself getting past 50 and that’s probably going to be pushing it.

I managed to get all the crapping my pants done in my early years thankfully. I didn’t get my drinking done in my late teens however, having recently let my burgeoning alcoholism take full flight. I mean, I’ve done some funky things in my time, but I spent a lot of that time as a hermit which means I have to do all this Real Life Actual World crap now.. like get private health insurance. Exciting.

At this rate, where the fuck am I going to be when I hit 30? Probably in an old peoples home working the GILF angle.. hmm.. I might invest in a company that makes prosthetic hips, because I foresee a MASSIVE influx in demand.