Yeah well you know what? Fuck you. You know what IS funny? Ur face. We were all thinking it, and guess wat? I’m the only one with the fucken balls – we all know this – to come out and say it. Lest I forget how much you smell. Two words: DE. ODORANT. Odours dude, you gots em, and they are up in my nasal grille fucking up my chi.

And while the gloves are off, lets see you work a job you hate, drink beer to dull the pain till you pass out and somehow find the time to create “da l0lz” on your internet blog – that you designed, implemented and generally rocked on your lonesome.

That’s right, no consultancy here, I’m a self made man.

While I’m on the subject, whats with this lack of blowjobs? I don’t remember telling ur mum it was ok for her to go on holiday. Sure, your grandma has no teeth, but its just not the same.

Yeah, I know she’s dead. Sure its hard (lolz) rousing a fellatious experience from an urn of ashes, but I’ve done it, and you know what? You’ll be there too one day.. probably with my ashes.. and that’s cool, ur urethra is worthy of my burnt body.. but I digress.

Let me tell you something that’ll fucking blow your top. Yeah. You want hilarity? well.. I aint got that.. shipment coming in Tuesday. But what I do got, is irony, of the bitter variety.

Check this.

Try going on dates with attractive twenty-somethings and having them want to date you.. then you go on a date with one girl, and fall for her.. and cancel all your fuckbuddies, because you realize you don’t want to date this girl after having fucked someone in between dates. You throw away all the other girls who want to get on your emotional (and literal) cock and things with the girl you actually like fall through.. yeah. Then you find you had a total “player lifestyle” set up but you squandered it because you were honest and you liked 1 woman because ur mother raised u right, and then you’re jonesin’ so hard for a blowjob u had to call one of the girls u reffered to whenever someone said “you’re just out for sex” – anyone who is 27 years old has people they can call for sex for christs sake!

IRONY motherfucker. None of that only spoons when all you need is a knife..

Speaking of knives, this whole dating thing is hardcore man. It’s like an emotional prison and its shank or be shanked. I’m sick of being the shankee, you know what.. and fuck, sure, I’ve only been shanked once, but thats all it takes man.. “Oh Andrew bitch it up!” – you weren’t there man, you don’t know what it was like.. the thing about dating isnt what they tell u to do.. its the things u do they didn’t tell u to do..

I still have flashbacks. No fucking shit.

“But Andrew, you’re going into that whole emo fucking relationship dating crap again, we don’t want that, its too depressing!”

Guess what bitch. Go on. Guess. Yeah. Life *IS* Depressing. Man, that reminds me, I had this dream where I kept pissing on (not in) a bed the other night.. anyway, this is the fucking future man,.. sorry if its a little too REAL for ya. In the real world, and real things happen. Real DEPRESSING things.

So yeah, sure, my blogs not funny anymore.. and you know what, SO WHAT.. it’ll get funny again, you’ll see.. I’ll show you.. I’ll show you ALL!