With an iron fist I took a hold of obesity and kicked its ass so hard it now has to shit through its mouth.. and it only took me 5 years!
Back in 2005, I weighed 135kg. On the Body Mass Index (BMI) that’s MORBIDLY OBESE! Which ironically, doesn’t give you any cred in Melbourne’s goth circles. But I digress.. This post is about how I lost around 10kg in 2 months. I’m a 27 year old male and I’m 181cm (5,11″) tall.
Check that shit. A Nintendo Wii doesnt lie. When was the last time a Nintendo lied to you? Never. Remember when the Nintendo Seal of Quality used to mean something? IT STILL DOES!
“But Andrew you must have lost muscle weight to do that!”
WRONG. I’ve been packing on muscle thanks to my sweet Kettlebells.
So here’s the run-down of how to get it done. It worked for me. Consult your doctor first, etc, if you die, you cant sue me, ok?
So get ready to unlearn every other thing you’ve read about weight-loss. This post is the goods, and it WORKS!*
Think Green
No, not environmental. What the fuck! Print this post out 5 times and burn it before you worry about that. That’s why we’re having babies, so they can deal with that whole dying planet “problem.”
GREEN TEA motherfuckler! Get the delicious T2 shit. It works out around 40c a bag, and $1.20 a day to down 3 bags of the stuff.. that’s less than half the price of a can of Coke at your local 7-11.. and it will keep you flavored all day. It has caffeine which will surpress your appetite, but won’t screw with your body (like Coke and Coffee can.) Not to mention all those antioxidants to help mitigate the effects of your** alcohol consumption.
Get The Secret
No, not that fucking bullshit wax stamp media packaged TV thing.. I’m talking about Slim Secrets. Think GREEN.. GREEN TEA extract, baby! I eat 2 of these for breakfast every day. It says its supposed to boost your metabolism but its probably just a placebo effect, which I’m happy with.
You can get a box (12) of them for under $30 from a Vitamin Me store. You can also order them online individually or by the box.
Get your “Fuck” on
Bang a chick or three. Try to maximize the amount of sex you’re having.. and dont be afraid to sweat all over them. If you can get the passion to the right level, the sweat thing is a total turn on.. but otherwise, just fuck till you cant move anymore and then finish them off with a handy if required.
I’d say try to stick to 20 year olds or 30 year olds due to their appetite, but basically every woman I’ve fornicated with could be boned until the cows came home.. and seriously, I’m beginning to doubt the possibility of those cows making it back.. I mean, did anyone give them directions???
Remember, its OK to bone fat chicks if you’re doing it as a weight loss method.
If you’re a chick, its time to don the cowboy hat and go cowgirl styles, none of that starfish fuck receptacle stuff, GET INTO THE ACTION and sharpen his pencil like your life depended on it.
Get Gastro
Man, I had gastro recently and I thought I was going to die.. it was fucking fucked up. I’m not exaggerating when I say, I really thought I was going to die a very painful, humiliating death.
But I’m sure I lost weight from it! yay!
Drink Water
Lots of it.
Soup It Up
Here is my favorite soup place. You’ll find me there at one time or another on weekdays..
If you don’t work in Melbourne’s CBD and cant make it to Center Place (where The Soup Place is — there’s also one in Melbourne Central’s food court so you have a good excuse for a walk) then hit up your local Subway. Don’t forget to get carrot and wheat bread.
Get a little Christian
No, I’m not talking about finding a religious midget. If you fuck up and down a 6 pack and a pizza (or 2 6 packs and 2 pizza’s.. ahem.) – FORGIVE YOURSELF and get back on track. No point letting it be a catalyst for more junk. This lesson is handy for almost anything in your life.
Look After Yourself
No, not some namby pamby bullshit. Eat Lean Cuisines or Healthy Choice when you’re too bored eating soup for lunch and dinner. It’s still manly if you lift weights before or afterward.
Cut Down on Alcohol
This is a toughie.. especially if your friends are boring. I was still downing 20 beers on weekends when losing this weight… somehow.
Just try to minimize it since it’s literally a depressant.. it slows your metabolism down. During weekdays try to switch to another vice.. like masturbation or plotting the downfall of that guy at work who annoys the shit out of you.
Cheat
No, not on your girlfriend (unless she asks you to keep it neat.) This is a total hack.. like installing wall hacks or cheating at poker, but you need to get your metabolism up. So, just like Vin Diesel in Fast and the Furious, u gotta hit the NOS, even if its against the rules..
Just 1 a day (I try to keep my max at 2.. but on weekends it ends up being 3) and plenty of water afterwards, will give ur body a kick. Dont have more than 2 a day and know your limits, because this shit can kill you.
I personally recommend the Nutrient Water Energy (the yellow one) since you get 75ml more than the Vitamin Water and its non-carbonated (so your body will like you.)
If you dont mind carbonated stuff… there’s only 1 option: Smart Energy Blood Orange & Chilli. The Chlli gives an extra kick to your metabolism, just like jalapenos would on your Subway.
It’s not a Diet
Just like its not a tumor. Its a mindset. This is kinda deep (compared to everything else here) but I wasnt on a diet.. I was just changing up what I was eating, finding variety and trying new things, which made the transition a lot easier.
Go Further
I get two 15 minute breaks a day.. I might go and buy a banana or a coffee.. instead of just going to the closest place, I go somewhere that’s like a 5-10 minute walk away, buy it, and walk back.
Even if I’m buying a coffee from just next door.. I walk around the block first. Pretty easy and good for clearing your head of all the monotonous work bullshit.. albeit only momentarily.
Sputnik Fighter
This is my name for my odd workout method.
Since going to the gym can be lame, or inconvenient (since my local one closes at 8pm) or expensive. I spent $50 on a copy of Street Fighter 4 for PC (first game I’ve bought in 5 years) an Xbox360 controller for Windows ($50) and a 16kg Kettlebell ($110) – obviously not with this intention, but this is how it worked out.
I either play through the arcade mode, or survival / time attack challenge modes (I would do it playing online opponents but my internet is fucking shit) – and after defeating an opponent, I do 3 reps of Kettlebell snatches/clean and jerks, then put it down, after next win, do it with the other arm.
I’ve had good results.. and quickly, so far. I told someone about this and they said “what do you do if you lose?” – nothing. So if you suck at SF4, or whatever other game would allow for similar time-frames of game-play, this wont work for you. I don’t do reps after losing because psychologically, I don’t want to even loosely associate Kettlebell workouts with losing. Kettlebells are for winners who like to win!
Incidentally, if I was still playing Wolfenstein, I would do this after winning rounds, maybe even after losing. It gets the blood pumping and helps clear the head.. it would definitely work to rid somebody of match jitters / stress. It’s like a reset button.
Daily Intake
So here is the raw data.. my daily diet goes like this..
BREAKFAST
2x Slim Secrets bars, or a sandwich from 7-11, Energy Drink
LUNCH
Subway or Soup
AFTERNOON
Banana or a Coffee
DINNER
Healthy Choice/Lean Cuisine
or Soup + 3 slices or so of bread
EVENING, IF HUNGRY
Popcorn, low-fat Yogurt or Rice Snacks
THROUGHOUT THE DAY….
I’m pretty much always drinking Green Tea and Water during work hours.. non-stop. When at home.. water, at least. Chamomile or Green Tea up until around 10pm.
That’s my Weekday game plan. Weekends is a fucking all anal action free-for-all of drinking and eating, but I try to keep it as low key as possible (which isnt saying much) and make sure I detox as much as I can. Whatever soup / tea you can fit in on weekends is a bonus.
So now my BMI isn’t Obese anymore (not that anyone believed that it was recently.. at least thats what they said, the sweeties) I have to go Mano a Mano with Obesity’s younger brother, Overweighty, and these Krav Maga classes*** I’m taking should ensure he gets FUCKED UP.
TOWNSEND