So I get an hour for lunch & hop a tram out to Smith St TSL factory outlet because I want a black Bonds hoodie, but they don’t have any in my size. A tram rolls up to head down to that Brands United store (that had someone paint an M after their logo so it said BUM, hehe) but the driver closed the doors and cheesed it just after I crossed the road to get on, the prick.

I hop a tram back to Bourke Street and head to Target. I walk around and they have nothing but those gayshit hoodies with prints all over them.. I figured I was screwed. But then I found the plain Target brand section. I grab a Black 2XL hoodie, try it on (not bad) and head to the counter.

There’s this chick with a similar hairstyle to me.. I walk up and her eyes take me to another world, it was fucking crazy. I see and talk to hotter chicks all the time but this girl.. just took my breath away. I couldn’t see her aura or anything but I could feel it, it was all up in my grill and getting freaky. I do my usual sales clerk banter “how’s your day? going fast? what time you finish?” I walk off and see this look in her eye that was like the diet coke of longing. Or disgust, I always get those mixed up.

So I go over and buy a Sub across the road.. then I get this rush of “I should do something here.” I’m about to head back to work, when I catch myself with “what would Dman do?” – HE WOULDNT PUSSY OUT, THAT’S WHAT. I had asked her to cut off the tag when I bought it so I could wear it out.. she did, and stuffed it in the pocket.

A plan is hatched.. I write my number on the tag, and then give it to her.. saying “I think there’s something wrong with the tag” – she reads the number, blushes, fast forward 2 years and we’re married, I drive home in a Burgundy Toyota Camry or something and she walks out in a flowing white dress and gives me some chilled green tea whilst asking if I had a hard day at the office.

1st obstacle, PEN.. no pen. PEN PEN PEN!!! fuck! My Manbag was having a nice siesta back at work – anyone who knows me is aware the Manbag has about 5 pens that are used for anything from drawing on drunk chicks to highlighting passages in books relating to vaginas.

I walk up and down in front of RMIT opposite Target but I cant see any students that are likely pen candidates.. I head into the RMIT bookshop and ask to borrow a pen & jot my number down on the tag. I think I’m being super subtle and romantic, like im in a movie or something.

I walk over sneakily sussing out her customer situation.. they keep flowing evenly for a few minutes. I’m officially running 10 minutes late on my lunch, but what is 10 minutes when you’re dealing with the future Mrs Townsend? Besides, this will be a great story for our grand kids. I was going to have to buy something as a flimsy pretext to talk to her again. Water will do.

I walk in, have to hang back and pretend not to notice the other line is free..

All good. I get up to her, she scans the water.. 2 fitty,.. I ask her if the hoodie suits me.. she says, “its fine” – then I’m like, I saw this tag.. she’s like “yeah you should keep that in case you need to return it” meanwhile some other customers have walked up,.. and I say, “no, I think you should keep it” and hand it to her folded up with my number written in it.

I walk away with my water.

I look back.

I see her throw the tag straight into the bin without looking at it.

The End.

Moral of the story, chicks are dumb, be more direct. Instead of subtlety next time I’ll go straight to how they feel about threesomes, or just grab my crotch and yell “how do ya like ya eggs??” with “fuckin’ mole!!” as a backup for any negative response. Genius.